My experience with menopausal grief
Mum never mentioned it, and neither did my aunties or my nan. I guess it wasn’t spoken about in previous generations, maybe not even to oneself. Women were (expected to be) more stoic and just got on with it. Me – I’m a little conflicted by my feelings towards my impending menopause. There are positive and negative emotions surrounding this next phase of life.
And then there is grief.
Grief has hit me HARD, like right in the heart. I wasn’t expecting it, and I didn’t realise it was a thing. Trust me though, I worked it out pretty quickly and have had to spend quite some time processing my feelings, and it’s still a work in progress. I’m grieving the woman I thought I was, who I have always been. I’m still her, but I’m also not. I’m also grieving the fact that soon I will no longer be able to sustain a pregnancy. Not that I wanted or had planned to, however, to still have that option, I’ve come to realise, is tied in with my view of what it is to be a feminine female. Will I become less feminine; will I feel less feminine?
The physical changes during perimenopause (the lead-up to menopause) are a bit of a shock initially. They creep up on you slowly, little things like all of a sudden waking during the night for no reason and not being able to go back to sleep. Out of nowhere experiencing anxiety & panic attacks. Irrational rage, mood instability, a bit teary, feeling tired all the time, heavy bleeding, depressive feelings, weight changes, achy joints, and let’s not talk about the hot flushes (oh my god!).
I still feel like me, but a slightly unfamiliar version. Maybe like a cousin or old friend, you know them from years ago, but you’re not really sure who they are as a person today.
In anticipation of carrying a child, a fertile female body is ripe and soft and flooded with hormones that perform specific duties to enable conception and sustain a pregnancy. It’s not always this easy, however, this is the overall aim. Menopause heralds the end of this era, and it feels uncomfortable. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have experienced motherhood, and I love my daughter with all my heart. Many people who have wished for the same never get to experience this, and I’m sure reaching menopause is a stark reminder that it will never happen biologically. My heart softly aches for those experiencing this reality.
So, what happens when your body decides it can no longer physically sustain another life? That the very design of your gender is now defunct? It’s a big concept and it takes some getting used to. It is also a reminder that we are getting older, and youth isn’t on our side anymore. I also acknowledge that this can happen at any time for a woman, not just during menopause.
Grief isn’t necessarily logical. It’s pure emotion and can hit you out of nowhere. It’s also part of being human and necessary for growth. This brings me to where I am now. Acceptance, with occasional setbacks to milder pangs of grief, although they’re becoming less frequent as I gently remind myself to look forward not backward.
How will I navigate the future? The plan is prioritising & conscious choice-making, and it is honestly really helping. What and who is most meaningful in my life right now? What do I want to achieve that I haven’t already? How will I keep connected with my femininity and enjoy the softness of being a woman?
Life to date has shown me that I am capable of more than I thought I was and reminds me that I can handle this, just like I’ve handled everything else so far. And so can you.
I’m here to hold space for you during your transition, should you need support. Please book your initial consultation and we can get started on your journey to you feeling vital and full of life again. The best is yet to come.
Bron x
